First things first, I would like to apologize to my readers. I am sorry for the inconsistency of my post. I know its been a very long time since I have posted anything. Sad to say I just really didn’t have anything to say, so I’ve decided to write why I was just at a lost of words or inspiration. I figured that if I can write about the good times and experiences, I can also write about when things are not so great. At the end of the day no one’s life is perfect and even positive people have their moments.
There wasn’t a specific event that happened to make me feel how I was feeling for the past month or two. I’ve just been feeling very….BLAH. It is also funny how someone can put on a smile everyday but deep down feel differently than their outer appearance may portray. It is kind of a joke in my family to ask each other this question, “What is your life about?”. The age old existential question of why am I here and what is my purpose.
Plenty of times I hear people say that they are unhappy because of where they are in life. That they should’ve done this and could’ve done that, but yet they are still stuck. I am a victim of this feeling. I feel stagnant in my life, like there’s no growth or progression going on. My mind literally gets lost in my thoughts while I’m at work because there is not much thought needed to perform the job that I do, its repetitive, same thing EVERY SINGLE DAY! I look back and realized its going on 6years that I’ve been working at the post office and that just makes me unhappy. 5 years ago when I was 20, thinking to myself “where do I see myself in 5 years”, I am no where near where I thought I would be.
Have you ever woke up in a great mood, but as soon as you enter somewhere you immediately become depressed!? Don’t get me wrong I am truly grateful and thankful that I have a federal job that pays well, because without it I wouldn’t be able to go to half the places I’ve been. But its like what is more important, money or your happiness? I would choose a peace of mind and happiness any day.
People jokingly say to me all the time “I wanna be like you when I grow up” being that I was blessed to have visited so many places. People also tell me that they are proud of me and that I’m doing good. But I personally feel like I’m not doing anything or enough I should say.
I’ve realized that every journey is a process and that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I’m feeling this way about my job so that I can get the courage to finally “JUMP”, take that risk of leaving my job and pursuing my dreams. I’ve read so many books to give me the courage and motivation to just do what I have to do, but it is the fear of the unknown that keeps most of us tethered to the security blanket of a job.
When I think of my future, I see myself as an entrepreneur, traveling the world, motivating others to follow their dreams and not get caught up in this cycle of life that they want us to believe is living. Waking up 5 days out of the week to go somewhere that makes you miserable isn’t living (in my opinion) especially when you feel this burning desire to venture off and do your own thing. Also receiving 14 days out of 365 for vacation I think is absurd ! lol. Certain things just doesn’t sit well with me and this is how I know I’m not meant to remain in the position that I’m in.
For the mean time I will continue to appreciate the job that I have but make an escape plan lol. I have to figure something out ASAP because I am only slipping farther away from my dreams. I am reminded of a saying that encourages me to take that leap of faith, deep down I know only 2 things will happen.
“When God pushes you to the edge, trust him fully, because only 2 things can happen. Either he will catch you when you fall or he will teach you to fly”.